At the start of this bizarre and surreal reality we’re all experiencing, I was enthusiastic, excited and ready to see the end of it. I was ready to see the end of it because I was visualizing myself as having read more books, practiced yoga everyday, able to run without gasping for air, organizing my entire pantry…the list goes on. But by the third week of this uncertainty, the loss of connection and familiar faces, the missing out on simple things I didn’t even realize I looked forward to, I was over it.
In the beginning weeks, I was overjoyed at the possibilities when I looked at raw ingredients! What creative genius would reveal itself in cucumbers and tomatoes? Seriously. But still I was over the moon. I cleaned the house top to bottom, organized the closet and dusted shelves. I reignited my love affair with the vacuum cleaner but to be honest the fire was never out. I filled my daily planner with time blocks to meditate, exercise, blog, write, read, pray, journal, practice yoga. All the things I vowed I would do with this wonderful gift of time.
And I didn’t.
I fell into deep despair. Why was I not doing enough? I sure have so much to be thankful for. How dare I wallow in any kind of overwhelming stress or self pity. How dare I give in to worries of the unknown. How dare I allow a silent sadness to creep in.
This sadness did shed light on the beautiful relationships I’m in. The friends and family who unconditionally cheer me on and say hey it’s ok, you can be down while still being optimistic. You can root for the healthcare workers, first responders and everyone putting themselves on the line while still feeling sad that you have to stay at home. You can be a responsible human being and still be annoyed that you miss your yoga community like crazy (shout out to Black Swan Yoga!). You can search for the truth in things without letting it bring you down. Without letting the powers that be take away your energy, focus and frequency to manifest the future you want.
I’m slowly crawling out of that “how dare i” mentality and am making my way back into the light. I am retracing my steps back to the basics, to movement, to breath, to alignment and to faith. I’m embracing the love that is in the stillness, the little moments that we still have here and now and have always had right in front of us. The moments that are so fully present in immobility. There is so much movement around us. If we stop moving, we’ll notice it.
This is a bizarre and surreal experience and it’s the world we live in. Instead of measuring myself before and after Covid and expecting the after Covid self to be more polished, educated and refined, I want her to be more compassionate, patient and grateful.
Remember that’s it’s perfectly normal to be fine, to not achieve. Time isn’t meant to be filled, it’s meant to be felt.
The Moody Sage 